Yi Yi Yi!!

you know I was sitting at work today, reflecting on some things that have been happening with my co-workers daughter. I can't go into detail, but needless to say this 17 y/o is having some difficult moments. And my poor friend is having to deal with the issues of being a mother when your child has to deal with some sort of emotional issues.

This reminded me of my life in the my youth (like I'm all that old at 30). I think it is time to put part of my testimony up.

I was raised in a good, spirit filled christian family. I grew up going to Metro Christian fellowship here in Kansas City. I learned early about the gifts of the spirit, about the gift of prophesy and many of those things. I was always a very dramatic, caring, emotional child. I hated to see people get hurt, and wanted to fix everyone's world even as a child. I loved to dance, started at 8 with ballet, and continued with Hebrew Dance with Honor Israel! It was awesome.

The downside of being very compassionate and emotional, is that at a young age I started suffering from depression. I didn't know that this was wrong, because whenever I would immerse myself in worship, I would feel better. When I was 14 I started having problems with insomnia, again thought this was okay, because I was busy with choir, honor choir, drama forensics and school, as well as youth group. I slowly started to not eat. Not because I wanted to be skinnier (at least not conciously),but because it took to much time. I tried to be the perky, upbeat, compassionate, talented example of a good christian teenager. Thinking that I was walking with my Jesus. Went to Youth Surge/Rock the Nation every summer...got refueled at this camps. But always had a lingering sadness that I hid from everyone. Even my parents.

By the time I was 16 I had been in a serious relationship for 2 years. By the beginning of my senior year I had lost my virginity to this man that I loved. I was so tired of being that perfect, perky Christian girl image. I reveled in this new found recognition by my classmates as a cool person. Still known as a friend to everyone, but no longer silently teased about being a goody two shoes. But inside I was dying, felt that I had failed God and my parents. I was secretly slipping further and further into depression.

To be more exact I started having extreme mood swings. One minute totally upbeat, ready to do anything and the next rock bottom, suicidal...I just wanted to GO HOME, to my Jesus. I was pregnant by the end of my senior year, we had tried to not have sex and failed miserably, repeatedly. My beloved Sam, our son, was born that December. And my mood swings started to get bigger and the depression deeper. I felt like a failure because they had to induce labor and I needed pain medication. I felt like a failure because I needed anti-depressants. I felt like a failure because I couldn't go to school, plan a wedding and take care of my child. So I drop out of college. I got married that following April.

My marriage was a complete failure, my husband would not hold down a job. He started telling me how he wanted out of our marriage. How I was not the same girl he fell in love with. How I made him feel like a failure, because I expected him to hold a job down and provide for the family. We seperated in March and celebrated our first anniversary apart.

I felt even more like a failure, and like God had deserted me. I moved back in with my family, went back to school. And started to hang out with friends from childhood. I would stay out all night, come home take Sam to preschool in the mornings, go to class, come home take care of my son until bedtime..go back out....you know the cycle.
When I was twenty-one I started drinking and by 22 I started smoking weed. Never around my child. I would only party when he was at his fathers. During this time I actually was diagnosed as Bi-polar. I was medicated and felt some better. But still never felt right. The only time I thought I was happy was when I was stoned, or performaning in front of people as part of a small improv group.

At 23 I met a guy, that I thought was wonderful. He made me feel beautiful again. He made me feel sexy. Unfortunatly our relationship was shortlived because he had a drug problem and some other issues that I will not go into right now. After he broke up with me I spun straight into a psychotic break. That weekend I knew that I was worthless, and could here the voices telling me this. My parents were out of town, my son at his fathers, I was alone. In one of my few moments of lucidity I called a good friend and she came and babysat me. Took care of me, and fought for me. She reminded me that God loves me, that he is there for me and that He had not abandoned me. The next day I went to Churchhouse in Westport, I had been going to the coffee house since my teens. I fell in love with Waterdeep there.

That night Don Chaffer led worship. It was wonderful, healing, gentle. I felt God's arms around me. And during the break I sat there wondering what I had done to deserve His love. A beautiful young lady came up the aisle, sat next to me and said" God told me to come and love on you.", she hugged me and said "my name is Tonya". I thanked her and sat back down. Then I had to go to the bathroom, I went to the bathroom and who else would be inthere except Her...we started talking, we had so much in common. She then invited me to her house after the service for a gathering to welcome home her friend Michelle...who we found out was one of the many things we had in common. That night after the gathering I laid my soul open to both of them. I ended up on her front room floor weeping. Asking God's forgiveness. He reminded me through Tonya and Michelle that I was His Princess, His Bride...He loved me.

You would think that after all that I would stay enamored with Him and never walk away again. I did. My illness got worse, medication was not working. So I went back to drugs. I also could not seem to give up sex. At that point I had only been having sex with my best friend, but something happened one night and I decided I was still angry with God, because I wasn't healed. I started having one night stands, sometimes just to get weed for my friend and I. Sometimes just because. For some reason I thought my parents had no idea what was going on, (yeah right).
Then one night I was laying on the floor of a friends house and dreamed that I was floating, that this hand reached out grab me, a cold dark, sharp talon of a hand. A voice told me that this time I had gone to far, the Father would never forgive me, and I was trapped. I woke up and decided I had to leave KC, that I would never get better surrounded by my temptations.

My son went to live with his father, I left KC, told my best friend that I loved him, but that until we were both cleaned up we were no good for eachother. My other best friend Amy, let me live with her and her husband in St. Louis, my job transfered me out there. It was the hardest 3 months of my life. I hated being seperated from my son and my best friend/lover. But I did start to slowly return to mental and spiritual health. I came back from St. Louis. I found my friend, and we started hanging out again. He told me that he had gotten a girl pregnant, and he broke my heart. I will never forget that night. He was standing in his kitchen, told me that he knew I really loved him, because I had never judged him. And he loved me, but that this girl had told him if he didn't marry her he would never see his child. I couldn't blame, I couldn't expect him to abandon that child for me. So I walked away, torn, broken, in horrible pain. It was more heartbreak than when my husband left, or my boyfriend after my husband. It was the worst heartbreak I had ever experienced. I again felt abandoned by the father.

I had met back up with a friend from high school. We had been spending time together. I started drinking heavily again, One night while talking with Tonya she suggested we go on a road trip. We left the next day for New Mexico, with my friend from high school. Spent almost two weeks having a grand ole' time. I was totally blasted the whole time. But by the time I came home I was waking up from this self destructive dream. My friend introduced me to my husband, we started dating. And God slowly started healing me. God saved me multiple times from suicide, overdose and total sexual deprivation. And I know longer suffer from bi-polar disorder. He Healed me. He took care of me. and gave me a wonderful husband in the process.


I know what the life can be difficult and that we want to run and hide, and that at times it feels that He has abandoned you. But he does love us, He saves us. He forgives us even when we are in our deepest darkest hours. I love him so much because of it.